Tosspot And Other Words
by The Emmanator
Summary: Drabbles and oneshots based on nothing but single words. Mostly ridiculous. Various pairings. Enjoy.
1. Tosspot

A/N:

Tosspot is an unsatisfactory person, according to my friend Kenzie. But I think she made the word up.

* * *

Tosspot

* * *

"James you-" Sirius was at a loss for words as the four of them toppled out of the broom cupboard, their brilliant scheme thwarted.

James was too busy staring at the (admittedly very nice) bum of one Lily Evans, thus had missed his cue and ruined their entire prank.

"Why aren't you listening to me?" Sirius snapped, trying to grab his friend and shake him back to sense. "You effing tosspot! You ruin everything!"

"Tosspot?"

"TOSSPOT!" Sirius yelled, leaping to his feet. "We planned this for weeks! And you let Evans distract you and Smith got away!"

James blinked as Lily was finally out of view.

"A man has to have his priorities."

"Ogling Evans' arse is NOT a priority. _I_ am a priority!" Sirius said, thumping James in the head.

James frowned as Sirius stormed off muttering obscenities.

"What's a tosspot?" he asked Remus.


	2. Cummerbund

Dialogue only, Remus/Sirius

* * *

Cummerbund

* * *

"Sirius take that off!"

"With pleasure!"

"My mum bought me that!"

"It'll be fine Moony!"  
"Don't throw that!"

"Just did!"

"Padfoot this is ridiculous! You're drunk! Get down from there and take that off!"

"I'll be down in a minute. But I assure you…you won't be down."

"Sirius Black!"

"What Moony?"

"Don't throw the cummerbund, you twat!"

"Is that what those are called?"

"Yes! Now get _down!"_

"But I'm not naked yet!"

"So?! No be careful with those trousers!"

"Alright I'm coming."

"Not any time tonight you aren't."

"Someone finally got their sense of humour back."

"Shut up Padfoot. Go to bed."

"But Moony!"

"You're ironing that tomorrow. I might have to wear that someday."

"For our wedding of course!"

"…Keep telling yourself that."


	3. Pulchritudinous

A/N: Lily is adorable

* * *

Pulchritudinous

* * *

"Dear Lily Evans (soon to be Lily Evans Potter)," Lily read aloud as she opened the card, accompanied by flowers of course. "It is not enough to call you beautiful, you are stunning, you are pulchritudinous, your radiance blinds even those with horribly impaired vision. Love, your fervent admirer, the perfectly amazing James Potter."

Her face turned red as her dormmates giggled at the 'love letter'.

Rolling her eyes, she got off her bed and headed down to the common room. As soon as she entered, James looked up hopefully.

"Nice try Potter, but no."

"Evans!"

She rolled her eyes and turned back to her dorm.

"Evans I used a _thesaurus _for Merlin's sake!" he cried out in apparent agony.

She just marched back up to her dorm. "Oh stop laughing you four," she snapped at the other girls. But she was grinning.


	4. Gelatinous

Poor Peter...

* * *

Gelatinous

* * *

"This goo is rather…gelatinous…" Sirius said, poking the wobbling tower of- well, whatever gelatin is- with his fork. "Does it taste good?"

"Would you quit poking that!" Remus hissed.

"Why?"

"Well other people have to eat it, Sirius!"

"So? It's just a fork!"

"That you've been slobbering on."

Sirius poked it one more time, watching it jiggle harmlessly before dropping his fork and frowning in a pathetic sort of way at Remus spoiling his fun.

"Quit being ridiculous!"

"Oi, Peter, you're looking rather gelatinous yourself."

_"Sirius!"_

Peter squawked. "Stop poking me Sirius! Stop it!"

"Look at it jiggle!" Sirius giggled, as he, Remus and James were momentarily hypnotized by the jiggling.

"Stop it!" Peter said, obviously embarrassed.

In later years, Remus didn't feel quite so surprised that Peter had been the one to go bad.


	5. Onyx

Ahh, Kingsley, I love him.

* * *

Onyx

* * *

"Ah! Kingsley! My onyx companion! I'm in a spot of trouble," Sirius said, rushing over to the unmistakable figure of Kingsley Shacklebolt.

"…Did you just call me onyx?" he asked.

"…Yes?"

"Why?"

"…Because you're black?" Sirius said, fear rising in his voice.

"I'm not _that _black, idiot."

Sirius frowned. "I'm just trying to expand my vocabulary," he said. "But I need your help!"

"Why should I help you?"

"Because I'm absolutely terrified of you," Sirius said, waving his hands in surrender.

Kingsley tried not to laugh at Sirius. And failed. "Alright, what do you need?"

"Well," Sirius said, conjuring a stepladder so he could lean up and whisper into Kingsley's ear. Kingsley rolled his eyes at least twice, but out of sheer good nature, agreed to help his friend.

"One thing, Black," he said.

"Anything."

"Never, ever, call me onyx again."

"Alright. But I thought it had a ring to it- really Kingsley, The Onyx Avenger."

"Shut up, Sirius."

"Fine."


	6. Pomegranate

I love Lily/James

* * *

Promegranate

* * *

"Ev- Lily!" James hissed from across the table. Trying his damnedest to be subtle (he had learned that women liked that in their men) he reached over and poked her.

"What?" she asked, irritated.

"Uh." He was trying to be good. "You have a pomegranate seed in your teeth," he said quietly, pointing at his own mouth to emphasize.

Lily frowned. "Oh." She got the seed out with clever use of her wand. "Thanks Po- James," she said, nodding at him and turning back to her friend.

"That was very nice of you Prongs," Remus said at James' ear.

He nodded. "That's what I was going for," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

After dinner, James fell back, hoping to catch Lily alone. He bounced when he saw her and walked over, trying to smile in a non-pompous-prat way.

"So, E- Lily, I was thinking that maybe me and you could go to Hogsmeade together next week," he said, his hand stuffed in his pockets, his grin faltering slightly.

She didn't scoff or roll her eyes. A good sign.

"I guess, maybe, just this once, since so far this year you've proved not to be a total prat. I'll go with you. Just this once."

"Really? Brill! You won't regret the choice," he said, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and kissing her on the cheek before skipping off to find his friends.

"Oh Merlin what have I done…" she muttered, watching his retreating back.


	7. Body Powder

Dialogue only with our favorite Regulus Black and the delightfully psychotic Barty Crouch Jr.

* * *

Body Powder

* * *

"What_is_ that smell?"

"Body powder?"

"Why are you wearing body powder?"

"Because I smell like a corpse."

"Barty! Stop joking around!"

"No really! I showered and showered but couldn't get the smell off of me so I used some of Narcissa's powder. Do you think she'd be mad?"

"I don't see her minding. But really."

"Well you wouldn't want to have smelled me before."

"I suppose not. But you smell girly."

"That's right, you're the girly one, yeah?"

"Shut up!"

"It's cute when you blush."

"Stop it Barty!"

"Why?"

"Mmph! Barty!"

"You know you enjoy it Regulus."

"That's not the point."


	8. Pimhole

Dialogue only. Regulus and Sirius

Pimhole isn't actually a word. We stole it from A Bit of Fry and Laurie

* * *

Pimhole

* * *

"Quit being a pimhole!" 

"What's a pimhole?"

"What you're being!"

"You just made that up!"

"No I didn't it's a word I swear!"

"It is _not."_

"Pimhole!"

"Mum! Mum! Sirius is calling me a pimhole!"

"Shut up pimhole!"

"It isn't even a _word!"_

"Yes it is!"

"Ugh! Sirius you're such a twit!"

"Well you're a pimhole, pimhole!"

"I'm telling you, you're making that up!"

"Not that you'd know!"

"You're impossible."

"At least I'm not a short, scrawny, gay pimhole."

"I'm not _gay. _And there's no such thing as a pimhole!"

"You are too gay. It runs in the family."

"Shut up!"


End file.
